CIS4365: Database Applications
Fall, 2017

How to Give a Bad Talk

David A. Patterson

Computer Science Division
University of California-Berkeley

Circa 1983

Ten commandments (with annotations gleaned from Patterson's talk by Mark D. Hill):

  1. Thou shalt not be neat

    Why waste research time preparing slides? Ignore spelling, grammar and legibility. Who cares what 50 people think?

     

  2. Thou shalt not waste space

    Transparencies are expensive. If you can save five slides in each of four talks per year, you save $7.00/year!
     

  3. Thou shalt not covet brevity

    Do you want to continue the stereotype that engineers can't write? Always use complete sentences, never just key words. If possible, use whole paragraphs and read every word.
     

  4. Thou shalt cover thy naked slides

    You need the suspense! Overlays are too flashy.
     

  5. Thou shalt not write large

    Be humble -- use a small font. Important people sit in front. Who cares about the riff-raff?
     

  6. Thou shalt not use color

    Flagrant use of color indicates uncareful research. It's also unfair to emphasize some words over others.
     

  7. Thou shalt not illustrate

    Confucius says ``A picture = 10K words,'' but Dijkstra says ``Pictures are for weak minds.'' Who are you going to believe? Wisdom from the ages or the person who first counted goto's?
     

  8. Thou shalt not make eye contact

    You should avert eyes to show respect. Blocking screen can also add mystery.
     

  9. Thou shalt not skip slides in a long talk

    You prepared the slides; people came for your whole talk; so just talk faster. Skip your summary and conclusions if necessary.
     

  10. Thou shalt not practice

    Why waste research time practicing a talk? It could take several hours out of your two years of research. How can you appear spontaneous if you practice? If you do practice, argue with any suggestions you get and make sure your talk is longer than the time you have to present it.

Commandment X is most important. Even if you break the other nine, this one can save you.

This page was last updated on 02/26/04.